strive

Chapter 5 - Josie

Daniel arrived at 1:52 with a small paper bag of plain bagels and the expression of a man approaching a final examination for which no amount of preparation could be sufficient. He waited outside until precisely two. Elizabeth watched through the peephole and felt an unexpected sting of tenderness when he checked his watch, stepped away from the door, and practiced a smile that immediately looked ridiculous.

"You're early," she said when she opened it.

"I was going to spend eight minutes examining the fire escape."

"That would make you the first person in history to do it voluntarily."

He glanced at the bag. "These are for adults. I remembered the no-gifts rule."

"Congratulations. Come in."

Josie stood in her playpen holding the railing, wearing a yellow dress and one sock. She looked Daniel over with the grave suspicion she usually reserved for new vegetables. He crouched several feet away and stayed there, hands resting on his knees.

"Hi, Josie. I'm Daniel."

Elizabeth winced. They had agreed she would use the word Daddy as Josie grew comfortable, but hearing his first name felt strangely intimate. He was not a visitor applying for membership in their family. He was her father, whether or not either adult knew how to make that fact real.

"Would you like to sit down?" she asked.

Daniel sat cross-legged on the rug. His expensive dark trousers creased immediately. Josie lowered herself onto her bottom and considered him. He didn't reach for her. He took the cloth book Elizabeth handed him and opened it to a page containing a cow.

"Apparently this is a cow. I can confirm it from the illustration."

"You're allowed to be silly," Elizabeth said.

He looked at the page. "Then this cow owes somebody rent."

Josie burst into delighted laughter. Daniel went completely still. Elizabeth had seen boardrooms obey his slightest gesture, but a baby's laugh apparently had the power to stop him breathing.

"Again," she told him.

He repeated the ridiculous line. Josie laughed harder, hiccupped, and thrust both hands toward the book. Daniel let her take it. When she crawled closer, he looked at Elizabeth for permission. She nodded. Josie braced herself against his knee, inspected the tattoo curling above his shirt collar, and touched his cheek.

Something in Daniel's face broke open. He blinked rapidly, looked toward the window, and said, "She's stronger than she looks."

"That's the family motto," Elizabeth replied.

She made coffee while he and Josie sat together. Every few minutes, she checked the living room. She'd expected him to fuss awkwardly with the child, performing affection to win her approval. Instead, he watched what Josie wanted and followed her lead. He let her turn the pages backward. He accepted her offer of a wooden block and balanced it atop his head. When she knocked it off, he pretended to be scandalized. By the time the hour ended, she was using his knee as furniture.

"Your hour is up," Elizabeth said gently.

Daniel looked at his watch as though time had personally betrayed him. Then he set the book down. "I promised one hour. Thank you for letting me come."

He stood and began collecting the blocks he'd scattered. Elizabeth watched him return each toy to the basket rather than leaving her another task. That ordinary courtesy struck her as absurdly significant.

Josie began crying as he put on his coat. She didn't understand why the friendly stranger with the interesting voice was leaving. Daniel looked stricken.

"You can say goodbye without picking her up," Elizabeth advised. "Get down where she can see your face."

He knelt. "I'll come back if your mom says that's okay," he told Josie. "I promise I'll ask first."

She offered him her remaining sock. He accepted it solemnly, then handed it back.

After he left, Elizabeth stood in the hallway with Josie on her hip. She hadn't expected him to keep the visit so brief. She hadn't expected that restraint to make her want to invite him back.

Across town, Daniel climbed into his car, loosened his tie, and cried so suddenly that he had to wait before starting the engine. He thought about the first word he'd missed and the first fever Elizabeth must have handled alone. He thought about everything he'd considered urgent while his daughter learned to recognize faces. In his office, a message from Adrian marked a meeting as mandatory. Daniel moved it rather than canceling the following Saturday.

During the next weeks, he learned Josie's schedule in pieces. Tuesday afternoons belonged to the park if the weather cooperated. Saturday was lunch and books. Elizabeth never let him assume a visit was guaranteed, and he never complained. He learned to bring wipes without being asked. He learned that Josie preferred the blue cup, that she hated loud hand dryers, and that falling asleep on his shoulder felt unlike any achievement he had ever chased.

His first real mistake came during a visit to the park. Josie tripped while practicing her uncertain steps and began to cry. Daniel immediately scooped her up. Elizabeth took one look at the scrape and said, "She's okay. You can let her see that."

He held Josie tighter. "I don't want her hurt."

"Neither do I. But if every wobble terrifies us, she's going to think the world is terrifying."

Daniel stared at the little girl, who had already stopped crying and was reaching for a pigeon. "I don't know how you do this every day."

"I learned by doing it every day."

He heard no accusation in her voice. That made it easier to accept the truth.

One Saturday, Elizabeth found him reading a parenting book while Josie slept on his chest. He had highlighted three pages. "Are you studying?" she whispered.

"Michael says I'm at risk of turning fatherhood into a management system."

"Michael sounds smart."

"He also says being willing to learn is better than pretending I already know."

Elizabeth sat in the chair opposite him and watched the rise and fall of Josie's small shoulders. For the first time in a long while, she allowed herself to imagine a future in which she didn't have to explain every exhausted silence. Daniel wasn't healed or absolved. He was sitting on an old sofa, holding his daughter while a book slipped from his fingers. That seemed like a better beginning than any speech.

When Josie woke, she looked at him, touched the edge of his jaw, and said a delighted string of syllables that sounded very much like da-da. Daniel's eyes flew to Elizabeth.

"That doesn't count as a first word," she warned, smiling despite herself. "She says it to the refrigerator too."

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"The refrigerator has a strong personality," he whispered.

Josie laughed again. This time, Elizabeth laughed with them.

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